


"The man is still a fool."

by amelianreasons



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Gen, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:08:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26205448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amelianreasons/pseuds/amelianreasons
Summary: Kaz grapples with the aftermath of MSF's fall.
Relationships: Kazuhira Miller/Paz Ortega Andrade
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16
Collections: Metal Gear Solid - Summer Games -2020





	"The man is still a fool."

Kazuhira scowled as he settled back into his chair, a dull pain throbbing where his right arm should have been. It had been a few weeks since Snake had rescued him from the Soviet soldiers in Afghanistan. He was lucky to be alive. Hell, even Kaz himself thought that room would be where he met his demise. If Snake had arrived just a few days later… Well, that was something that Kaz didn’t want to think about.

But Snake had miraculously managed to pull it off. Not only that, but he successfully fought off whatever the hell those soldiers in the mist were. There was no doubt about it in Kaz’s mind. Big Boss was back. The 9 years he spent in that coma didn’t slow him down one bit.

And so now, here they were, in their new home-- a small offshore plant off the coast of the Seychelles. It wasn’t anything to be proud of. Just one platform littered with a few useless guards. But it was still better than nothing. He told Snake that he was going to rebuild what was taken from them, but that wasn’t quite true. What Kaz was going to build would surpass MSF in every way possible.

… 

Kaz could've sworn that his right arm hurt a little more upon thinking of the life he once lived a decade ago.

The loud crash of ocean waves outside snapped Kaz out of his thoughts. 

_ God, could these walls be any more thin? How am I supposed to be able to concentrate on anything here? _

The commander's new office was shabby at best, and downright depressing at worst. What once was presumably white paint on the walls was now greyed and peeling. The tiles on the floor were dull and chipped, dirt caking the cracks between them. 

Kaz heard a small squeak and a shuffling noise from behind him. His vision wasn't what it used to be, but when he turned around, he was able to see some  _ thing _ scuttle behind the bookcase.

"Great. A pest problem. Just what I needed." He groaned. 

_ Pest _ .

The word suddenly brought back memories of 10 years prior. He could never forget the disappointment he felt when he overheard Cecile telling Snake that "Monsieur Miller" was being a pest, nor Snake's smug grin upon hearing it.

Scowling, Kaz tried to shove the memory out of his mind. Whenever he thought of MSF, he couldn't tell which hurt more, his arm or his heart.

He grabbed the papers on his desk that Ocelot had dropped off earlier and attempted to read them, desperate to distract himself from painful memories of the past. When he felt his eyes scanning the same line over and over again, he let out a deep sigh and resigned to the fact that he probably wouldn't get any work done right now.

Narrow rays of sunlight slipped through the cracks of the blinds, highlighting just how desolate the room was. He hadn't bothered decorating the office. Unlike 10 years ago, he had nothing worth showcasing in his office. 

The Kazuhira Miller of 1974 was a different person. A bright-eyed and naive man, just doing whatever it took to carve his name into this cruel world. But no matter how much he focused on work and business, he always found a way to enjoy life. 

Gaudy trinkets had lined his desk with the hopes that someone (preferably a new female recruit) would strike up a conversation with him about them. His most treasured possession, his guitar, rested in the corner of the room. Not a day went by where Kaz didn't play it and sing to his heart's content. 

Not that any of it mattered now. Everything he owned was nothing more than ash, settled on the ocean floor.

The small, rectangular case in his breast pocket reminded him that not quite everything was taken from him.

Kaz gritted his teeth as he picked up the papers again, determined to at least get one thing done today. As he flipped through the files, looking for the easiest one to read, the heading of one had a name that caught his attention.

**Huey Emmerich**

A shot of adrenaline ran through Kaz as he frantically scanned the paper. It seemed like the traitorous bastard wanted to defect and return to mother base. Kaz grimaced. He had been waiting 9 years for this. The reason he was even in Afghanistan to begin with was to hunt him down. And now, he’d finally get a chance to confront him.

His heart thumped loudly in his chest, pressing against the case in his pocket. Without giving it a second thought, Kaz pulled it out of his pocket and placed it on his desk. The 10 year old translucent case was yellowed with age, and had been cracked in several places. Still, Kaz had tried his best to keep it safe. There were no words to describe its importance to him.

With only one hand, he clumsily fumbled with the latch until he was able to open it. A small, unlabeled cassette tape was waiting for him, and he popped it into the cassette player that was lying on his desk.

His finger hovered over the play button as Kaz chewed the inside of his lip nervously. He could recite the entire tape by heart now. How could he not? Over the last decade, he had lost track of how many times he had listened to it.

Kaz knew that he had an obsessive personality. After Paz had hijacked ZEKE, he couldn't stop thinking about her. About what Pacifica Ocean thought about him. At the time, he felt betrayed-- how could she do that to him? They were going to start a band together. The "Three Peace Band" was to make its debut on Peace Day, in just three days.

If that had been the end of the story, then maybe Kaz would have been able to get some sense of closure. He could accept that she was a spy and that he had put his faith in the wrong person. But the emotional conflict within him swelled when Snake found her diary tapes. As the two of them listened to the tapes, it became clear that her commitment to Cipher was wavering. Afterwards, Kaz slipped the tape into his pocket when Snake wasn't looking. He knew that Snake would tell him to drop the issue, but Kaz couldn't stop thinking about it. Did her allegiance truly switch sides in the end?

That question plagued Kaz for months. He listened to her diary tapes nearly every night, hoping that some unspoken words would reveal the truth to him. Unable to deal with the uncertainty any longer, he turned this inner turmoil into anger. He would never get a definitive answer about Paz's true feelings, so he clung onto the objective truth of his anger towards her. Not just anger that she betrayed MSF, but anger that she betrayed him.

Still, Kaz knew deep down that this anger was misplaced. He was the one who had invited her and Zadornov to Colombia in the first place. He had hoped that by befriending Paz, he could effectively eliminate any threat that Cipher posed to MSF. His overwhelming charisma had always been able to get him what he wanted in life, so this wouldn't be any different, right?

But he had vastly and sorely underestimated Zero's power-- the iron grip that he had over Paz. She had an absolute sense of loyalty drilled into her, and Kaz wasn't sure if his efforts to befriend her had been enough to chip away at that.

So when he got reports that Paz was alive, he leapt at the opportunity to rescue her. Yes, it would be a great opportunity to get more intel on Cipher, but he'd also be able to get the answers to the questions that had been haunting him all this time.

The bitter taste of blood made Kaz realize that he had been biting his lip a bit too hard.

"Shit." He grumbled as he forcefully pressed the play button and the tape began to spin. 

_ "As of today I will be living here at Mother Base. Now my real trial begins…" _ Paz's voice rang out in the empty room.

Kaz sat in silence as he let her words wash over him. He had memorized every bit of these tapes. Every pause between words, every breath she took, every time her tone changed. He knew that there was no point in him listening to these tapes anymore. He was just being a fool, stuck in the past.

_ "I did not need to understand the lyrics to know he's an awful singer." _ Paz's voice scoffed.

A small smile broke across Kaz's face. He remembered that day very clearly. He joked about how well suppositories work and pretended to take his pants off to show her. He wasn't actually going to do it, of course, but Paz had thrown a tissue box at him before he could clarify that he was just kidding.

It had been the first time he had seen Paz genuinely happy. Kaz played a lighthearted fool well, but Paz had always seemed to be annoyed by his antics. He could never forget the excitement he felt that she had responded positively to his joking for once. 

The tape rolled on as Kaz reminisced sadly about their time together. 

_ "It all seemed so idiotic. I still cannot fathom such behavior." _ Paz's voice turned melancholic. 

A wave of anxiety hit Kaz. This was the hardest diary entry to listen to. He knew exactly what words were going to come next, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to stop the accompanying guilt that came along with it. He didn't want to continue. No matter how many times he listened to this part, the guilt he felt never lessened. But despite all the pain it caused, he forced himself to power through it every time.

_ "But somehow I got the sense that for all his womanizing, Miller really only trusted one person, and that was Snake. There was no way I could ever come between the two of them. And at that thought I began to feel as if I had lost." _

With a shaky breath and a trembling hand, Kaz hurriedly paused the tape. This was the part of her diary that he had obsessed over the most. Her words meant that Paz wanted to be friends with him, right? 

He had adored and admired Snake, and still did to this day. But how could Paz not have seen that she was special to him, too? He thought it was painfully obvious. Of all the people at MSF, he had spent the most time with her. Cecile, Amanda, Chico... not to say that he didn’t like them, because he did. But why didn’t Paz realize that he had spent far more time with her than anyone else at mother base?

* * *

The day that MSF fell was the most tense Kaz had felt in months. He paced back and forth in his office like a wild caged animal, just waiting for Snake to confirm that he had saved Chico and Paz.

He told Snake that Paz had to be rescued because she knew too much about MSF. He attempted to keep a cool demeanor, but a small line of his at the end betrayed his true feelings.

_ "If not us, who else is going to rescue that bitch?" _

Deep down, Kaz wanted her to be saved by somebody, anybody. He told Snake to kill her only in the worst case scenario, but he prayed that it wouldn't come to that.

As he relayed information to Snake throughout the mission, he couldn't help but let him in on how he really felt:

_ “When we get our hands on Paz, intel on Cipher isn’t the only thing I want out of her. Putting aside her mission, her past, that sense of loyalty they drilled into her… I want to know… what she really thought of us.” _

Shortly after, Snake confirmed that both Paz and Chico were safely recovered. Relief flooded through Kaz as he traced the outline of the cassette tape, still safely tucked away in his shirt pocket.

The relief didn't last long, though. Explosions rang loud in the background, and… well, the rest was history. 

Kaz should've died that day, but opportune timing on Snake's part meant that he was able to cheat death once more.

As Snake pulled him onto the helicopter, he heard the screams of his men behind him and his lungs filled with the smell of smoke and burning flesh. Kaz was probably seriously injured as well, but the adrenaline coursing through his veins dulled his sensitivity. All he could feel was his heart thumping against the cassette tape he had kept so close to him this whole time.

Kaz sputtered and coughed as he scrambled onto the chopper. Dizzy and disoriented, he sat down on the floor to get his bearings. This couldn't be happening. They had built MSF from nothing, and now it was just… gone? The inspection was just a ruse. Nothing more than a smokescreen to slaughter MSF and raze it to the ground. Slowly, the ringing in his ears quieted, and Kaz's eyes refocused as he saw the other passengers on the chopper, furiously scanning for the one person he wanted to find.

He had gotten his answer. Underneath it all, Paz was a Cipher agent. She didn't care about MSF, she didn't care about Kaz. All the time they had spent together was just a lie. She had sold them out to Cipher and tried to kill them all.

So when he saw the blonde woman lying unconscious on the bench next to him, pure rage enveloped him. He violently shook her body, demanding that she get up and start talking. The cassette tape in his pocket had never felt more heavy. This was all her fault. She had just destroyed everything of his, and he was a fool for thinking he ever meant anything to her. At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to attack her, to make her feel even a fraction of the loss and pain that he was feeling at that moment. He still remembered the way she cowered in fear as he towered over her, and the medic on board had to pull him back before he went too far. Kaz was still furious, but he had no strength to protest. All he could do was stew silently, hoping that Paz knew exactly how much she was despised.

But when Paz opened the helicopter doors, Kaz knew that he had made a terrible mistake. The panicked look on her face as she told them about a second bomb would be etched into Kaz's mind until the day he died. As she took a step backwards, Kaz leapt out of his seat, desperate to grab her and pull her back into safety.

But it was too late. One jump and an explosion moments later had sealed her fate.

The guilt he felt then had only gotten worse over the past nine years.

* * *

Kaz had survived. Again. But he began to wonder if this “lucky” streak was more of a curse than a blessing. After the initial chaos died down, Kaz was just numb. Snake was in a coma, and it didn’t seem like he would wake up any time soon, if ever. For years, Snake had been his guiding light, his north star. What was he going to do now? Never before had he felt so lost.

Upon articulating these feelings, Kaz’s pocket felt slightly heavier, and he realized that Paz’s tape was still there. He frantically scrambled to get it out, bracing himself for the inevitable fact that it was ruined.

Kaz wasn’t one to believe in a god or miracles, but he would be okay in thinking that divine intervention had stopped the tape in his pocket from being completely destroyed. He was shocked that while it was certainly broken, it was not beyond repair. He painstakingly fixed the tape, his heartbeat pounding in his ears as he thought about the prospect of listening to it again.

And so he did. Repeatedly for nine years. Now that he was more level-headed, he realized the truth. He had finally ascertained Paz’s true feelings and why she jumped out of the helicopter. She was about to die, but the least she could do was make sure that she didn’t take down the people she cared about with her. Paz didn’t want to kill them. Not at all. Kaz realized that, and wanted nothing more than to rewind time. The guilt at how he treated Paz on the helicopter constantly ate away at him. He couldn’t help but wonder how she felt. The final moments of her life were nothing but pure rage and hatred from the person that she wanted to be closest to on mother base.

It was ironic. The song lyrics that Paz had written for Peace Day talked about being unable to express true feelings to another person. While there was no romantic attraction between the two of them, the mutual longing of friendship was something that they were never fully able to convey to each other.

* * *

Kaz resumed the tape, absentmindedly drumming his fingers on his desk. He allowed the rest of her entries to play uninterrupted, closing his eyes as if it would lessen the pain somehow.

When the tape finally came to an end, he hung his head and let out a deep sigh. Why did he listen to these tapes over and over again? Why was he so insistent on torturing himself like this? The pain and guilt never eased up. But maybe he deserved this. It was the same reasoning as to why he refused Ocelot’s offer of prosthetic limbs. Nothing he could do would bring back all the men who died that day. Why should he care about getting a measly arm and leg back? He had to keep the pain fresh in his mind. He remembered the words he told Ocelot:

_ “I'll keep living with it for their sake. It'll guide me straight and true until I've gotten them the vengeance they deserve.” _

If there was anything Kaz could do to bring Paz back from the dead, he would do it in a heartbeat, just as long as it meant that she came back to him. He cursed himself for his own stupidity that day. Huey was obviously the most suspicious person there, but he had been so fixated on Paz’s rescue mission that he had overlooked such obvious signs. He blamed the wrong person and gave her hell, all the while, letting the guilty party slip free.

However, no matter how much he mourned, Paz was never going to come back, and Kaz knew that. Still, he felt that he should hold onto that grief for as long as possible.

But unlike his quest for revenge, he didn’t have a clear idea of how to transform this grief into a way to honor Paz’s memory. Destroying Cipher? Perhaps. But he was already going to do that to avenge his fallen comrades. He wanted to do something separate for Paz. To show that she was different-- special to him.

Kaz’s thoughts were interrupted by the loud sound of construction and shouting outside. The commander pinched the bridge of his nose, the cacophony beginning to give him a cluster headache. He really needed to find a way to soundproof this office.

“Hey, watch it!” A voice called out. “You nearly dropped that pipe on me!”

“Well don’t just stand there, you lazy ass! Help out!” A second voice retorted.

“I am!” The first man called back. “It’s not my fault that you’re so incompetent.”

Their shouting continued on and showed no signs of slowing down. Kaz leapt out of his chair and gripped his crutch, readying himself to go outside and yell at them for their commotion. Sure, construction was loud work, but they didn’t have to be  _ this  _ noisy. They were grown adults, after all. Did they really need someone to supervise them so they wouldn’t argue like immature children?

Suddenly, an idea hit Kaz. He scrambled back into his chair and pulled out a pencil and paper, excitement rushing through him. Maybe they did need someone to watch over them after all.

Kaz had grown up on Japanese manga as a child and poured over American comics as a teenager. While he had never taken formal art classes before, he was no stranger to drawing, constantly sketching out the protagonists and superheroes in the margins of his notebook while in school. It was a habit he thought he had ditched once he graduated college, but here he was, over 15 years later, a man in his late 30s excitedly drawing as if he was a child again.

After what felt like an eon of painstakingly careful work, Kaz finally put down his pencil, admiring the piece in front of him.

_ Not bad.  _ He thought. At the very least, this picture was good enough to convey the point he wanted to make.

* * *

“What the hell is this?” Ocelot asked incredulously as he looked over the paper that Kaz had just handed him. “Wait a second. Miller, did you draw this? What do you want me to do with this? Hang it up on the fridge at the mess hall?”

“Did you even read it?” Kaz scowled. There was something about Ocelot’s tone or demeanor that always managed to put him in a bad mood.

Ocelot rolled his eyes as he looked at the drawing again. “Work in progress. Please pardon the inconvenience… Safety comes first… Thank you for your cooperation…” He looked up from the paper to see Kaz staring at him.

“Well, what do you think?” The commander asked in a gruff voice. “I want to put these signs on all of our construction sites. You know, to warn the men to be careful.”

“Oh, Miller, come on.” Ocelot rolled his eyes. “These are grown adults we’re talking about, not children. They don’t need a sign to tell them that this is a construction site. If they lack such basic situational awareness, they don’t deserve to be here to begin with.” He squinted at the paper as he studied Kaz’s drawing more carefully. “And what’s this on the side? Is this supposed to be a person? A girl?”

Kaz hesitated for a moment. “It’s cute. Like a mascot.” He said truthfully. “Maybe seeing something like this would be good for soldiers’ morale, you know?”

“Alright, now you’re just being ridiculous. Why would we, a PMF, need a mascot like we’re some kind of children’s show?”

“Whatever.” Kaz spat angrily, outstretching his arm to grab the drawing back from him. “Forget I said anything.” Perhaps it was a mistake to ask Ocelot to do this for him. Ocelot was never Kaz’s first choice when it came to getting favors done, but Kaz didn’t have the stomach to talk to Snake about any of this. He hoped that Ocelot would just agree, no questions asked.

Ocelot noticed Kaz’s mood sour and he realized that for some inexplicable reason, this drawing must be important to him.

“Fine.” The silver-haired man sighed in resignation. “I’ll go give this to our men and see what they can do with it.” He shook his head as he left the commander’s dingy office, the clicking of spurs against the floor fading into the background.

* * *

Much to Ocelot’s surprise, the men were ecstatic at Kaz’s idea to have a “safety mascot” on mother base. Not only did they use his initial drawing, but they all brainstormed with each other to come up with even more sign ideas. They didn’t know who this girl was supposed to be, but something about her demeanor brought a calming sense of peace to the men.

Soon, signs with this girl could be found all over mother base. Some had her smiling peacefully, asking the soldiers to be patient and forgive the inconvenience caused by the construction. Other signs showed her with a bandage wrapped around her finger, reminding everyone that it only took a few seconds to adhere to proper safety precautions.

Inside a small, dilapidated office on the command platform, the commander sat in silence. He shook his head, thoroughly exhausted from the day's work. Kaz pulled the cassette tape from his pocket once again. Examining it closely between his gloved fingers, he gently placed it in the cassette player and let the tape play.

_ "As of today I will be living here at Mother Base. Now my real trial begins…" _

Kaz exhaled sharply as he heard Paz’s voice again. The pain didn’t lessen, although he never expected it to. Still, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of ease as he gazed out the window, fluorescent lights dancing on the newly hung safety warning sign. 

Construction was going well so far. The dizzying heights of the new floors being added to the platform reminded Kaz of the US missile base’s control tower ten years ago. He remembered the way Paz looked up at the camera and told them not to worry.

_ “I am an angel of peace. I will always be watching over you.” _

To this day, Kaz still wasn’t sure if that was just “Paz” speaking, or if Pacifica Ocean truly felt that way. He never did get a definitive answer to the question he asked ten years ago-- Which was the real Paz? And which was the lie?

Kaz knew that he would never get to know the answer. The truth was buried at the bottom of the ocean, with no way of ever retrieving it. But for once, Kaz didn't feel any anxiety over that uncertainty. 

Maybe Paz bought into the "angel of peace" facade, or maybe she didn't. But Kaz came to accept the fact that it didn't matter. What mattered was that she was loyal to them. Her dying wish was to save them all. She leapt to her death in the hopes that it would save everyone else. That single action showed her true personality more than any nickname or slogan ever could.

Kaz gripped his crutch and limped to the window. The workers outside were just as noisy as the day they started construction, but for some reason, it didn't bother Kaz. Instead, he stared at the sign, taking in the serenity of the character's expression.

Aside from Snake, no one else knew who the girl on the sign really was. But that was okay with Kaz. He didn’t need the soldiers to know who she was, he just needed them to know that she was a part of them-- a member of Diamond Dogs.

The angle at which the lights were shining on the sign made it seem like a halo had formed behind Paz’s head. In conjunction with the way the sign was situated above the workers, it seemed that she was destined to be an angel of peace once more.

Kaz couldn't help but smile as he wondered how Paz would react to this. Would she be honored? Would she be mad? 

_ "The man is still a fool." _ The recording from behind him scorned disdainfully. 

"Maybe I am…" Kaz murmured sadly. The commander turned away from the window and limped back to his desk.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic! Totally self-indulgent, but I like to think that this is why Paz is on all the safety signs all over mother base in MGSVTPP. ❤⃛ヾ(๑❛ ▿ ◠๑ ) Hope this wasn't too terrible!


End file.
